I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
