For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
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