You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
