apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize
