My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Randomize
