Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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