I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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