I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
