The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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