i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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