some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
