my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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