Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
