I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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