I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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