Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
