I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
