Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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