dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
