Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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