i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
