I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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