as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
