So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
