My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Don't make out with my wife yet
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Randomize
