I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
