Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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