Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
