I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
