did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
