I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
