Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
