i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
