I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Be still, my beating vagina.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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