I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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