fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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