I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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