If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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