When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Randomize
