I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
