Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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