I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
