I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Randomize
