I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
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