hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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