I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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