Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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