If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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