Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
