Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
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